And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.
Sunday, 7 December 2008
Monday, 10 November 2008
Still waving, not drowning...
Still here. Still complex. Still questioning myself at every turn. Still pushing onwards and ever upwards. Still getting visits from old insecurities every once and a while. Still fighting to be positive. Still waving, but not drowning..................
So i'm back. Its been over three months. Which means i'm really back. Being in Southend again is a little like dragging a ball and chain around at times...too many memories, too many faces i recognise and really don't want to. Too many people not going anywhere...not waving, but not drowning either. Don't get me wrong, its great to see friends and family, i missed them all so much but i think i just need a change of scenery...something more than Essex. It was always going to be difficult coming back to everything. Some days it doesn't even feel like i went anywhere. Perhaps its because my life was so radically different over there, so much of it revolved around Mark, so many memories of just me and Mark doing things, and now that he's long gone its almost like there's not much left to hold on to save for a few mementos i picked up along the way.
But anyway, that ship has sailed, and i'm slowly managing to build myself up again. I somehow found myself working in an awesome job which is all a bit surreal. You know one of those jobs that you always think, wow that would be great, but there's no way i'd ever be able to get it? Well, its one of those. All a bit surreal really, for two months straight i sat on my arse in front of a pc, looking for a job and growing ever more despondent with each click of the mouse, and then the next thing i knew i had three different employers banging my door down to hire me. I took a chance on a dance theatre in Islington and it turned out to be absolutely the right choice. I got made permanent on the 20th October, i even got promoted already and its only been two months since i first walked in the goddamn door...crazy times. I never really was into dance that much before, but working here has given me an appreciation for it that i didn't have before. I'm literally getting to watch the greatest dancers in the world...for free. Its pretty inspiring to be in such a great environment where creativity is encouraged, i really landed on my feet...somehow.
So what else is new...well i've joined another band, will be good to have something to pour my energy into again. I thought i'd better pick up the quill and pull my weight lyrics wise, so i've been working on that as of late. The thing with me is once i start to get into the habit of writing, i get lines and ideas constantly popping into my head from god knows where, which i then have to grab onto with both hands and then get them down ASAP before they disappear forever...And inevitably, this is always at the worst possible moment...like when i'm on the tube or just as i'm drifting off to sleep. Then of course i end up with numerous lines dotted around on various bits of paper, which aren't even related, and i then have to sit down and physically build everything else around them. But thats the discipline i guess.
I've started to read 'The Ode Less Traveled' by Stephen Fry in the hope that it will improve by songwriting skills - although at the end of the day, its hardcore right? I could write haikus about what day the bins are collected on my street or how to make a really rocking veggie lasagna and no-one would actually know the difference! Well...not quite!But hey, it can't hurt to know the difference between a dactyl and am amphibrach, which according to Stephen are poetic meters, but really they both just sound like prehistoric creatures to me....Hmmm we'll see.
Well it's 10.00 a.m. Monday morning so i guess i better bite the bullet and get to work. Til next time...
So i'm back. Its been over three months. Which means i'm really back. Being in Southend again is a little like dragging a ball and chain around at times...too many memories, too many faces i recognise and really don't want to. Too many people not going anywhere...not waving, but not drowning either. Don't get me wrong, its great to see friends and family, i missed them all so much but i think i just need a change of scenery...something more than Essex. It was always going to be difficult coming back to everything. Some days it doesn't even feel like i went anywhere. Perhaps its because my life was so radically different over there, so much of it revolved around Mark, so many memories of just me and Mark doing things, and now that he's long gone its almost like there's not much left to hold on to save for a few mementos i picked up along the way.
But anyway, that ship has sailed, and i'm slowly managing to build myself up again. I somehow found myself working in an awesome job which is all a bit surreal. You know one of those jobs that you always think, wow that would be great, but there's no way i'd ever be able to get it? Well, its one of those. All a bit surreal really, for two months straight i sat on my arse in front of a pc, looking for a job and growing ever more despondent with each click of the mouse, and then the next thing i knew i had three different employers banging my door down to hire me. I took a chance on a dance theatre in Islington and it turned out to be absolutely the right choice. I got made permanent on the 20th October, i even got promoted already and its only been two months since i first walked in the goddamn door...crazy times. I never really was into dance that much before, but working here has given me an appreciation for it that i didn't have before. I'm literally getting to watch the greatest dancers in the world...for free. Its pretty inspiring to be in such a great environment where creativity is encouraged, i really landed on my feet...somehow.
So what else is new...well i've joined another band, will be good to have something to pour my energy into again. I thought i'd better pick up the quill and pull my weight lyrics wise, so i've been working on that as of late. The thing with me is once i start to get into the habit of writing, i get lines and ideas constantly popping into my head from god knows where, which i then have to grab onto with both hands and then get them down ASAP before they disappear forever...And inevitably, this is always at the worst possible moment...like when i'm on the tube or just as i'm drifting off to sleep. Then of course i end up with numerous lines dotted around on various bits of paper, which aren't even related, and i then have to sit down and physically build everything else around them. But thats the discipline i guess.
I've started to read 'The Ode Less Traveled' by Stephen Fry in the hope that it will improve by songwriting skills - although at the end of the day, its hardcore right? I could write haikus about what day the bins are collected on my street or how to make a really rocking veggie lasagna and no-one would actually know the difference! Well...not quite!But hey, it can't hurt to know the difference between a dactyl and am amphibrach, which according to Stephen are poetic meters, but really they both just sound like prehistoric creatures to me....Hmmm we'll see.
Well it's 10.00 a.m. Monday morning so i guess i better bite the bullet and get to work. Til next time...
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
London's calling...
“I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” - Jack London
Tuesday, 8 April 2008
Losing a whole year...
When did my life become a Third Eye Blind lyric??!!
I’ve been listening to music of ‘my past’ this week – I love the way that music can bring back memories of people, places, faces, thoughts, feelings. I wonder what music will bring me back to this place, to this time.
So I’ve proved myself to be utterly useless in managing to keep a blog and a diary for a year. I don’t know what happened, I really don’t. I could excuse myself and say that I didn’t have time, but that’s not really true, I had all the time in the world and now it’s slipped through my fingers. It’s funny how fast a year can fade and places and events blend into one. Something jogged my memory earlier and I remembered someone who I used to work with, it actually took me a while to compute exactly where I knew them from. Was it Auckland? Was it Lloyds TSB? Almost everything about this year is in the past now, but I’m glad that it’s there.
When people ask me about my year in New Zealand, I will tell them that I just lived. I lived with a person, in a house, in a town, in a country, in the world. I had life experiences that you could probably have anywhere in the world, but they just happened to happen to me here. Its hard to put a finger on one key event that really made my trip so far, but I can say that I am confident I will come out of this having achieved what I wanted to. I was always so dead set that this was the right thing to do, that it was something I needed to do, and I’m glad that I trusted my instincts on this one. I think I can say that I am lot more confident in myself and my abilities - my ability to love, to be a good person, a likeable person, to be myself even. This has been about reassessing myself, who i am, what makes me happy, what i want from my life. And when I think back to how I behaved in the past, I can see how misguided I was and how so much of it was how I thought I should be, how I thought I should think, act, look. Recently I was on my Myspace page and realised how of much of that crap wasn’t even me anymore.
So this chapter of my life is coming to an end. But as they say, when one door closes, another one opens. And now…I have three months or so of travelling ahead me, through Australia, Hawaii, California. Hell, maybe I’ll buck my ideas up and keep this going…….on second thoughts, don’t count on it! But back to the point, I can only imagine the kind of experiences I’m going to have, the people I’m going to meet, and the things I’m going to do. It will be very strange to go back home, and I imagine I shall be walking around almost like a shell-shocked bomb victim for a few weeks as I try to process the fact that its all over. But here’s to the future, and everything that’s yet to come. Watch this space...
I’ve been listening to music of ‘my past’ this week – I love the way that music can bring back memories of people, places, faces, thoughts, feelings. I wonder what music will bring me back to this place, to this time.
So I’ve proved myself to be utterly useless in managing to keep a blog and a diary for a year. I don’t know what happened, I really don’t. I could excuse myself and say that I didn’t have time, but that’s not really true, I had all the time in the world and now it’s slipped through my fingers. It’s funny how fast a year can fade and places and events blend into one. Something jogged my memory earlier and I remembered someone who I used to work with, it actually took me a while to compute exactly where I knew them from. Was it Auckland? Was it Lloyds TSB? Almost everything about this year is in the past now, but I’m glad that it’s there.
When people ask me about my year in New Zealand, I will tell them that I just lived. I lived with a person, in a house, in a town, in a country, in the world. I had life experiences that you could probably have anywhere in the world, but they just happened to happen to me here. Its hard to put a finger on one key event that really made my trip so far, but I can say that I am confident I will come out of this having achieved what I wanted to. I was always so dead set that this was the right thing to do, that it was something I needed to do, and I’m glad that I trusted my instincts on this one. I think I can say that I am lot more confident in myself and my abilities - my ability to love, to be a good person, a likeable person, to be myself even. This has been about reassessing myself, who i am, what makes me happy, what i want from my life. And when I think back to how I behaved in the past, I can see how misguided I was and how so much of it was how I thought I should be, how I thought I should think, act, look. Recently I was on my Myspace page and realised how of much of that crap wasn’t even me anymore.
So this chapter of my life is coming to an end. But as they say, when one door closes, another one opens. And now…I have three months or so of travelling ahead me, through Australia, Hawaii, California. Hell, maybe I’ll buck my ideas up and keep this going…….on second thoughts, don’t count on it! But back to the point, I can only imagine the kind of experiences I’m going to have, the people I’m going to meet, and the things I’m going to do. It will be very strange to go back home, and I imagine I shall be walking around almost like a shell-shocked bomb victim for a few weeks as I try to process the fact that its all over. But here’s to the future, and everything that’s yet to come. Watch this space...
Sunday, 29 April 2007
Huzzzzzzzzzzzah.
So. This week i left work. Strange feeling to say the least, because i've been working in that goddamn place since i was 17 years old, feels extremely weird to think that i won't be walking into the office come monday morning. I haven't been unemployed once in my life ever, i've always had the security of a steady job, right from the moment i was old enough to legally go out and earn.
More than anything though, i wish i could just feel something. I'm going away in ten days time. Ten fucking days, and i don't feel anything. No sadness, no regrets, no nervousness, no anticipation - nothing. Its almost as if i'm going to wake up the next day and realise its all a dream and i actually still live in the UK. Ho hum. I think the dealbreaker will come the minute i step onto that plane.
Heres to the 10th of May.
More than anything though, i wish i could just feel something. I'm going away in ten days time. Ten fucking days, and i don't feel anything. No sadness, no regrets, no nervousness, no anticipation - nothing. Its almost as if i'm going to wake up the next day and realise its all a dream and i actually still live in the UK. Ho hum. I think the dealbreaker will come the minute i step onto that plane.
Heres to the 10th of May.
Friday, 16 March 2007
Scary monsters and super creeps...
Blah - its been a month since i last wrote!!! I officially suck. My sincere apologies and i will try my best to pull my socks up.
New Zealand is eight weeks away! I'm scared, but in a good way i think. I can't believe i'm actually going to do this - my sub-conscious is kicking me in the head and asking if i'm really serious about doing this. I think i am. No, i know i am.
To top it all off, the Universe keeps throwing eligible bachelors my way, which is getting more than frustrating. I don't quite know where you guys were a year or so ago when i was wading through a mess of losers, incompetents and general dreggs of society, but i'll have you know i'm not very impressed.
I'm getting more and more frustrated at my lack of positive creativity. I've gotten so despondent as of late, i never write anymore, i haven't been to the gym for ages because i haven't got the motivation to haul my ass out of bed, and i'm resigning myself to the occasional daydream in my head which never goes anywhere. There's at least one novel, two movie scripts and one tv series lurking up there. Wah wah wah.
What else is new? I've been reading a fab book about the impending apocalypse in 2012. The Mayan theories are fascinating, but i'm not scared of the end of the world. Just hopeful that the world will set itself straight. We shall see i guess.
New Zealand is eight weeks away! I'm scared, but in a good way i think. I can't believe i'm actually going to do this - my sub-conscious is kicking me in the head and asking if i'm really serious about doing this. I think i am. No, i know i am.
To top it all off, the Universe keeps throwing eligible bachelors my way, which is getting more than frustrating. I don't quite know where you guys were a year or so ago when i was wading through a mess of losers, incompetents and general dreggs of society, but i'll have you know i'm not very impressed.
I'm getting more and more frustrated at my lack of positive creativity. I've gotten so despondent as of late, i never write anymore, i haven't been to the gym for ages because i haven't got the motivation to haul my ass out of bed, and i'm resigning myself to the occasional daydream in my head which never goes anywhere. There's at least one novel, two movie scripts and one tv series lurking up there. Wah wah wah.
What else is new? I've been reading a fab book about the impending apocalypse in 2012. The Mayan theories are fascinating, but i'm not scared of the end of the world. Just hopeful that the world will set itself straight. We shall see i guess.
Friday, 16 February 2007
Reasons To Be Cheerful
Welcome to the latest installement of Postcards From The Edge. And what a great edition we've got for you this week.
1) Where fate plays a helping hand and averts our heroine from certain disaster and possible death at the hands of a seemingly wonderful prince, who is later shockingly revealed to be a card carrying member of the 'we're not worthy', male drone, all brawn and no brains gestapo. The king of throwaway comments indeed.
2) Where our beloved heroine finds her inner rage and prepares to knock ten shades of shit out of anyone else who stands in her way.
What the hell is up with the world these days? Lately there's been more twists and turns then a Dan Brown novel, more 'aha' moments than a good episode of Alan Partridge and more coincidences than i'd like to believe possible. Pieces are coming together faster than a hyper-charged magnetic jigsaw puzzle and i'm struggling to hold in the reins of this crazy steed.
1) Where fate plays a helping hand and averts our heroine from certain disaster and possible death at the hands of a seemingly wonderful prince, who is later shockingly revealed to be a card carrying member of the 'we're not worthy', male drone, all brawn and no brains gestapo. The king of throwaway comments indeed.
2) Where our beloved heroine finds her inner rage and prepares to knock ten shades of shit out of anyone else who stands in her way.
What the hell is up with the world these days? Lately there's been more twists and turns then a Dan Brown novel, more 'aha' moments than a good episode of Alan Partridge and more coincidences than i'd like to believe possible. Pieces are coming together faster than a hyper-charged magnetic jigsaw puzzle and i'm struggling to hold in the reins of this crazy steed.
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